Modern Humor for Modern Times

A little modern humor for today’s modern society. I received the humorous text below from a friend ( the author is unknown) and thought I would share it with everyone because it seems to show how life is really heading now-a-days!

We had an outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn’t play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

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Golf Balls and Goof Balls

Now that spring is here where I am living one can start to enjoy outdoor activities such as golf. I am by no means a professional player nor do I want to be one either. I just love to hit those balls around the course and watch them fly through the air in the direction that I didn’t want them to go.

I have read and taken lessons on how to tee-off and hit the ball when you are on the fairway and I must say those manufactures of the golf balls must hate me or have planted a special chip in the ball that makes it always land in the water or sand trap or wherever else it shouldn’t land.

I think there is a golf ball conspiracy out there against me…

Recently while out golfing I teed-off and my ball landed right in the middle of the pond in the fairway.
But thank heavens I had my thigh waders for fishing with me and so I put them on and waded out into the pond and found my ball and could easily hit it because I had my new deep water club for hitting balls from a pond.

And believe me it makes a world of difference to know that you don’t need to drop a new ball and I can still stay within the par!

This is a real life saver.

While out on the course again there was someone with a GPS thingy that calculated everything for you and the only thing it didn’t do was hit the ball.

Where has the fun gone in the game of golf -> I ask ???

When do I need such a device plus it’s only more junk to carry around and with all the other stuff I need along with my supply of paper cups for the unknown beer stop or my thigh waders for the water I have no space for it. And if the battery dies then I am SOL and won’t be able to play at all.

But maybe that device has a hidden chip in it that controls the direction of my ball and then I could manage to get my ball onto the green in one stroke. I would be ecstatic if that happened. And then I would only need one more stroke and bingo -> my ball is in the hole.

But after that is the next hole where there is some long grass at the edge of the fairway and here I don’t worry either because I have my long grass cutter club and this works just like a hedge trimmer, so when I hit my ball the grass is cut away at the same time leaving the fairway free for me. Great device and a “must have” for this season!

And as I walk along the course it happens too sometime that my ball is drawn by the magnetic powers of the sand trap and seems to want to land in it. Again as a professional woman golfer; I have my sand shovel club and with one dig I am out of the trap and onto the green.
Life can be so easy when you know how to golf correctly and own the right set of clubs too.

After a short beer break at the 11th hole then it’s off again onto the course for the other adventures that I may face and believe me there are many!!!

I just mentioned all my great clubs that I own, but what I forgot was all those golf balls and what they are supposed to do for me.

It is said that they should fly far -> how? Do they have a built in engine somewhere?

Lightweight -> I thought all golf balls weighed less than a ton or am I missing out somewhere?

For men -> Why don’t you like us gals?

For women -> great colors now all you need to do is program then to land on the green after teeing off. Please do this for me and then you will have won my heart!

So I am sure many of you avid golfers out there will want to rush out for a new set of clubs like mine, but don’t forget you need the right ball or it will be a goof ball game of golf!

Need a New Guy??

On Saturday while reading the newspaper I came across the section where guys are looking for gals and thought to myself “I have to read this, but how?
Because with my husband sitting across from me it would be rather difficult and I don’t want him to think that I want to replace him for someone who I read about in the newspaper.

But since it was a sunny day I knew that sooner or later he would go outside and wash the car, and if it was up to me it could be sooner. Then I wouldn’t have to wait soooo long to read this section of the newspaper with all those great guy ads.
It seemed to take ages before he went outside and then he asked me: If everything was ok, because I seemed a bit impatient today as if I wanted to get rid of him?

Do men have a built in App that tells them what gals are thinking?

Anyways, he finally went outside and I could finally finish reading the newspaper and take a closer look at what’s on offer out there in the world of guys.

A couple of agencies had toll-free numbers, so you could save money and others you had to call at your own expense (tight wads).
A lot of guys were older models looking for younger gals not older than 40 and offering them: cash, vacations and maybe more. The maybe more I found a bit vague because that could mean anything and probably not what I think it is.

There was a guy who said he was romantic, played golf and the accordion too. Now that I found really good because my husband can play golf but not the accordion, and this somehow gets me dreaming about being on the golf course with this guy.

The date starts at the first hole and he has teed-off and then I place my ball on the tee and he hands me a rose and my heart starts to flatter and before I have a chance to tee-off he plays a lovely tune on his accordion. This brings goose bumps to my skin and fall in love with him until we reach the 15th hole and he doesn’t have any beer with him for me to enjoy so my whole bubble of love has popped.

Another ad states that the guy is romantic, likes good food and no conversation.

How that works don’t ask me and I would not want a date with him either. I can see it now. I show up at his place he says to me you can cook and he sits there and watches some stupid program on TV and I end up eating what I cooked myself because he is busy texting his friends that he has got some chick at his place to cook for him. I like to talk and so that relationship would not work out for me.

The final ad was for a guy who owned a company and the chick could work for him as a “girl Friday”, and it is written in black & white: She by no means is to live at his place!!!

He is a real character and seems to have a one track mind wanting to boss others around and to top it off; I have to have my own place!! He’s got nerve…..

After reading all those ads I started to look out the window at my husband washing our car and thought -> he really isn’t such a bad guy after all when I compare him to the guys in the newspaper.

Plus an afterthought is that I have no idea whether or not the guys have even written the truth in the newspaper or is everything exaggerated so that all single gals will fall for them?

Who knows and who cares. All I can say if you want some good reading in the newspaper by all means read this section!!

For Guys who like Beer

While doing nothing all day at my desk just drinking coffee and surfing the internet; I came across an article that is a real “must have” for guys. Naturally, all you gal readers may want to rush out and buy one for your boyfriend or husband so please read on.

I must say I have never laughed so hard reading an article before and my secretary heard me laughing and came in and asked me if everything was ok and when I showed her the article she was in tears because she was laughing soooo hard too.

Guys you would never imagine were you can store your beer when you are out and about and it’s not in a flask either. Though you could put other beverages in there too if you do not drink beer.
Has anyone guessed where it’s strapped to your body???? Well, I will tell you the answer -> Hold onto your beer bottle now -> -> The answer is onto your body under your trousers or jeans and in a plastic thing and the spigot hangs out of your zipper.

My question on those guys who invented that: How can you serve your beer in the public? Maybe someone may think you’re a bit bonkers if you pull out the spigot from your jeans and pour yourself a fresh beer.

Another somewhat disturbing thought is that hopefully the guy is clean down there and is wearing fresh underwear, because I would not want to be served a fresh beer and find out that he hasn’t washed himself and isn’t wearing clean underwear. That thought somehow puts me off drinking beer.
And another thought how do you keep the beer cold without freezing your manly parts off? Do any of you guys have an answer to that ??? And if so please tell me.

But I seemed to have forgotten the good’ol guy side of things here. Guys could sit around and watch the football game together and everyone has their favorite brand of beer with them and the host only needs to supply the glasses or there could be spigot contests to see which guy’s spigot is the longest or you are at a meeting and it’s a warm day and one guy suggests “ How about a beer?” Everyone can get their paper cup out and the guy with the beer unzips his trousers and whips his spigot out and everyone can then can sit back and enjoy a beer. What more does a guy need???

On top of that I have thought of some other obstacles which you guys could encounter with such a great thing. In the summer there could be a problem when you are at the beach because you have to wear a pair of baggies otherwise, the guy would look a bit ridiculous in one of those tighter fitting swimming trunks. Then again it would be great if you are out fishing or even on the golf course -> imagine you are out on the golf course with your buddies playing a round and at the 10th hole everyone is thirsty for a beer; well all one of the guys has to do is whip out his spigot and everyone has their paper cups ready and there you go -> you can enjoy a lukewarm beer at the 10th hole!!!

I wonder how much beer such a thing holds?? Anything under a six pack seems a waste of time to me and wouldn’t be worth carrying around with you.

Plus, another dimension too this whole thing is the dating part. The guy asks a gal out and she says yes, and both decide to take a romantic walk on the beach watching the sunset and while you are walking enjoying the scenery the guy asks you if you would like a beer? You say: Yes

What does the guy do? He whips out 2 paper cups and his spigot from his fly and serves you a beer. That’s what I would call a really great time !!!!! let alone I would laugh my head off, but I know some gals could be shocked and then hopefully the guy has enough manners to say that his beer is in his trousers and ask if it is ok if he takes his spigot out.

But if you are adventurous like me I would enjoy the whole situation because it brings a whole new aspect to the meaning of going out for a drink.

So guys if you want to take your beer with you please don’t forget your beer container with the spigot for your jeans. Enjoy your beer!!!